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Bear Food
This entry contains TMFI

that being said, we're kind of in that ugly nexus between winter and spring here in ohio where the flowers are blooming and the tips on all the little fine branches of the trees are starting to crown white buds with green collars, and like some strange trick of technicolor, the same nubby grass that has been gray and brown and dreary has magically turned a plush green.  It's light outside before I even have a chance to wake up and go to the bathroom, so any gratuitous notion of going to the gym while the whole wide world is still asleep is out the window, most days.

Over the winter I have had my nose to the grindstone, cooking, cleaning, OBSESSIVELY cooking and cleaning, not mourning the outside world much.  I finished the book I've been writing at the end of december and have been playing the waiting game with agents and publishers, and I have suffered a pretty catastrophic computer crash, so for the most part, I have been barred from pouring my creative usage into my usual medium, so it's fed into that ugly cycle of cooking and cleaning, cooking and cleaning, waiting for winter's end, waiting for the harsh cold, the relentless wind, the stinging freezing rain and sleet and snow, all the hardship of winter to stop.

Then last weekend, it was warm;  Let me tell you how that feels to an ohioan--

You step outside

In your barefeet

You take a breath

and you feel like YOU are the one changing colors, just like the technicolor grass--you take another breath, and you feel the palour of your skin change from pale to human

and for me, after spending so much time cooking and cleaning, not writing, and maybe pecking around a little here and there with reading and painting and listening to music and maybe catching up on a favorite movie or two, things within me are . ... stirring.

Last weekend I broke up the garden beds.  I spent all day tilling the garden plots with a shovel, aerator and spade.  No longer were they grubby lots, but deep, rich, soft, crumbly, orderly, sightly, READY garden beds . . . . and then something really STIRRED.

I had a hard time leaving them alone at night.

I get up in the morning and give myself enough time to put either my fingers or my bare toes into it, these deep mounds of humus, these waiting, gaping spaces.

and then I started noticing that I really wanted to write again--it wasn't such a foreign, weird thing to me anymore.  I got my hard drive replaced on my computer (since my hard drive was the culprit), and I have that irresistable blank slate, blank like the dark, fudgey garden beds outside that twist the knife in my brain, urging me to do more, and it was that association that made me look even more deeply at the impact spring was having on me.

Truth is, I think I am in full throttle female hormones mod . .. in fact, I know I am.

You know, in winter, it is so, so easy to lose all interest in sex if you kind of have the "cave" approach to your living quarters.  I don't think anyone really feels much inspired to fuck in a place that reminds them of all the work they have to do all the time.  But then, you know, that smell of warm rain comes wafting through all the cracks around the window frames . . . . the natural warmth drives out all the money that's burning in the furnace just to keep you warm, and the burden starts to lift, and you surrender . . . you surrender to the idea of relaxation and pleasure, of your own deep creative instincts, of the truest, darkest, most real reason for doing anything creative in the first place--to make sure your existence lives on in some way or another, to mate and create.

I'm quite the omnivore, sexually speaking.  To say I'm bisexual seems to me kind of limiting, because the truth is, I think at some time or another I've felt an attraction to just about every shade and stripe of human being you could imagine.  I have liked girly girls and manly men.  I have enjoyed girly boys and boyish girls.  I have found myself wanting to take a bite right out of the side of a chiseled adonis, and I have found myself fantasizing about feeding my own chubby chubkins little bon bons by hand . . .  I'm really not a one trick pony ;)

I got to googling the words "chubby chaser" because, well, I'm chubby and I wanna know what makes the chubby chase tick so I can play to those strengths, you know, work with what I got . . . and I came across some woman's personal blog glorifying the likes of Zach Galifianakis and it kind of dawned on me:  I would TOTALLY hit that, with gusto . . . and it's strange because, you know, we're so peppered with this propaganda ALL THE FREAKING TIME about how only physically fit bodies are the ones that are attractive . . . .how nodoby in their right mind would ever be attracted to the truck driver type, or in my case, to the Rosanne barr type, but I can tell you EXACTLY how I'd be attracted to the Zach G. type:  big, hairy, squishy, lust for life kind of guy.  When I think about attraction, I don't really sit there and think to myself, gee, it looks like you've really done a lot of work in the gym, you must REALLY LOVE TO WORK, you know, you're really dedicated TO YOUR WORK . . . no actually, at the moment, I'm kind of escaping that slavery and I'd rather be with the one with the lust for life.  Gimme someone who loves to eat, I swear to the gods a man like that in a barbeque apron with a spatula in his hand saying, "baby, what do you want on your cheezeburger?" . . .wait, no . . . "baby, how much bacon do you want on your cheeseburger?"  oh yes . . . YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!

I don't think my husband much appreciated my efforts to fatten him up ~:(

But then again, I've also noticed that my husband also does not appreciate me talking about being too fat . . . no husband ever does I don't suppose ~:(

So I kind of made this dish this morning to satisfy my bear fever--you had to read alot just to get to it, so I hope it's everything you wanted it to be.

Bear Food

1 cup rolled oats
3/4 cup frozen blueberries
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1tbspoon Mollasus
1/2 cup brown sugar (adjust to taste)
1/2 cup AND 1/4 cup of heavy cream (I'll explain this in a second)
1 1/2 cups of water

Mix all that stuff together EXCEPT for the extra 1/4 cup of heavy cream mentioned above in a heavy, round pyrex dish and bake at 350 for about 30 minutes.  at the 30 minute mark, pour the extra 1/4 cup heavy cream over the top and bake 10 minutes more.  remove from oven and allow to cool.  When you serve it, look your partner deep in the eye and squeeze a goodly amount of honey out of a honey bear jar over the top of it . .   congratulate yourself for giving your partner the honey shot ;)

so yeah, spring, there you go ;) 


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